I was surprised to see my husband putting up a crib in our guest room. He assured me that it was “just temporary,” and that it was a way for us to maintain our hope. However, when I got back from spending the weekend away from home, I discovered a positive pregnancy test in the garbage, and I immediately knew that it could not have been mine.
While I was sitting on the side of the bathtub, I was staring at yet another pregnancy test that came back negative. Just one thin line. There have been years of trying, several visits to the doctor, and pricey therapies, but nothing has changed.
I felt a pain in my chest as I reflected on how much money we had spent, how hard we had fought, and how none of it had ended up being worth it. In all likelihood, I was never destined to become a mother.
I disposed of the examination by throwing it away, splattering water on my face, and making myself take a deep breath. The last thing I wanted was for Dan to see me in such a state.
When I looked in the mirror, I noticed that I appeared exhausted, with shadows under my eyes that could not be concealed by any concealer.
I came to a halt at the entrance to the guest room. The final screw on a small wooden crib was being tightened by Dan as he stood there alone.
It appeared almost ready for a baby that we did not have, as its pale frame caught the light that was coming in through the window. My chest became more taut.
“Why did you choose to place that here?”
Daniel raised his head and smiled softly. It is only a transitory situation. I had the impression that it might allow us to maintain our hope.
You believe that I require a daily reminder that I am unable to accomplish this?
“That is not what I intended to say. I had the idea that it could be helpful for us to see what we are striving toward rather than what is lacking. I’m sorry if it causes you pain.
I did a sigh. After taking a step forward, Dan encircled me with his arms.
“Why don’t you go to your mother’s house and spend the weekend there? When you get back, I’ll take it down for you.
At my mother’s house, there was a sense of comfort and there were no questions asked. As a result, I was already on my way by Friday afternoon.
****
The weekend brought me a sense of calm that I had not anticipated.
While we watched old movies, my mother made my favorite soup and kept me company while we watched them.
For the first time in months, I slept better than I had in a long time, and we never discussed fertility treatments.
On Sunday evening, when I returned home, the guest room appeared to be vacant once more. The crib had been removed. At the door, Dan greeted me with a smile that was both warm and encouraging.
A tiniest smile appeared on my face. “Yes, it is. Before I eat dinner, I’m going to take a shower.
My eyes were drawn to something that was in the garbage when I was in the restroom, and I reached for a towel. I became numb. The test for pregnancy. A pair of erect pink lines. The jump in my heart was so intense that it almost hurt.
Is it possible that it is mine? Was I reading my most recent test too quickly?
The moment I opened a new package, I immediately began taking another test. I waited a while after placing it on the counter.
There looked to be a thin line. Not positive. The pit of my stomach sank. That examination was not mine.
On my way into the hallway, I held it up in front of me. This is what it is.
The immediate excitement that Dan felt flared up his cheeks.
It is not. I tested once more just now. Not positive. Who is this, exactly?
“I’m not sure if… Perhaps it has a problem?”
The word “faulty” does not have two distinct lines. Are you having such a hard time with me that you got another woman pregnant?
On the spot, he responded, “Never.” “You are my love. That is something I would never do.
When I looked at my husband, I noticed something that I was unable to decipher. There was still trembling in my hands. When I wanted to push him, I simply turned away, putting an end to the situation for the time being. In spite of this, the burden of it remained with me.
****
Even though days had passed, the test continued to occupy my thoughts. Dan mentioned that he would be arriving home late one morning.
After waiting for a few minutes after he had left, I went ahead and grabbed my keys and followed by his side. There wasn’t much traffic. When he was driving downtown, I maintained a safe distance from him. After parking close to his workplace, Dan checked his phone and waited for a moment.
When she arrived, a blonde woman was carrying a tote bag that was swinging at her side.
The expression on Dan’s face changed, and he pulled open the passenger door for her. The hold I had on the steering wheel became increasingly firm, causing my knuckles to hurt.
It was a baby store that they went to. I followed them inside while maintaining a distance that would allow me to remain unseen.
Each aisle seems to be making fun of me.
As they loaded a cart with bottles and pacifiers, I saw them laugh over the teeny-tiny outfits, hold up the soft blankets, and load up the cart.
Dan made the payment for everything at the register while she smiled and leaned on the counter.
A stealthy exit was made to the parking area, where I waited in my vehicle. Then, a few minutes later, they emerged. The majority of the bags were carried by Dan, who scanned the parking lot to ensure that no one noticed them.
I went with them to a modest house that was located in a peaceful area. Several cameras were positioned in the corners of the roof. First, Dan brought the things inside, and then he gave her a bear embrace. I got out of the car and walked to the entrance as soon as he drove away.
After a couple of knocks, the blonde opened the door.
Can you tell me what you are doing with my husband? Is he expecting a child with you currently?
The blonde woman regarded me with a chilly gaze. “Please leave.”
“I’m not leaving without answers.”
I’m going to inform the authorities if you don’t leave within the next five minutes.
After that, she slammed the door in my face shut.
I informed Dan that he would be sleeping on the couch from that point on. In addition, I mentioned that we were going to go somewhere in the morning.
“Move on, where are we going?” A trace of worry was beginning to make its way into his voice.
I continued to keep my eyes on him, but I did not respond.
I smiled at him in a manner that was tight and controlled, and then I simply responded, “You’ll see.”
I made my way to our bedroom, where I shut the door and leaned against it for a brief period before leaving. My hands were shaking. It was almost as if I could feel his stare penetrating through the wall, wondering what it was that I had planned.
In between us, there are a lot of questions and a lot of lies.
Although I was aware of what I was doing, that did not make the situation any simpler.
****
The next morning, we began our journey in complete stillness. When we found ourselves at the street, the house appeared to be deserted. A sign that read “For Sale” was displayed in the yard, and the windows were left unlocked. Dan wore a frown.
Which of these things am I supposed to be looking at? If you are interested in a different location, we are able to locate something more suitable for you.
The day before yesterday, you were present with a blonde woman. Together, you went out and purchased items for the baby, and then you brought them indoors!
I worked till about five o’clock when I left. Evidently, this location has been vacant for a considerable amount of time. In light of everything that we are going through, it’s possible that your mind is playing tricks on you.
As soon as I heard the tenderness in his voice, I jerked back as if he had just smacked me.
Dan took a quick look at his watch.
After that, he called a taxi and was gone for a while. After without giving it any thought, I pushed the door open. It was made available. When I stepped inside, the flooring reverberated with my footsteps. The furniture was arranged in the corners, as is typical of staging: it appeared to be beautiful but unlived.
I went through each and every room, as if the truth were hiding somewhere beneath a pillowcase. The only thing that was waiting for me was stillness, and the kitchen was clean and empty of any surfaces.
A little notebook was placed on a side table in the foyer, and it was the sort of item that was left for guests to jot down their thoughts.
My fingers felt faint grooves where a sheet had been torn, and I paused for a moment before turning the page where I was reading.
Using the side of a pencil, I lightly darkened the top sheet of paper until spectral letters emerged, which were weak but readable. A unique address that is shaped like a hidden map. I had already entered the vehicle and was in the process of entering the address into the navigation system.
The second property was located on a street that was dead-end and quiet. The house was ringed by a dozen surveillance cameras, much like the one that had been there before.
Strange, why are there so many of them?
After waiting for a while, I rang the bell and then attempted to use the handle when no one answered. A whisper was heard coming from the living room as the door opened with a slur and voices could be heard.
When I followed the sound, I found Dan and the blonde woman having a conversation that was very close and filled with concern.
They appeared to be startled when they spotted me, as if my rage had caused a breeze to blow through the entranceway.
“Once more, are you going to tell me that everything is just in my head?!”
“Would you kindly allow me to explain?” Dan said in a hurry.
“I gave you the opportunity to do that! You have lied! I let out a yell.
“This is not an easy task,” Dan stated.
“Is it not clear? Know what is not easy to understand? The experience of expecting each time and yet seeing a negative result, followed by the revelation that your husband had gotten another lady pregnant, and which caused you to appear insane. “That is the thing that is not easy!”
I switched my attention to the woman, who had retreated toward a corner while wrapping her arms around herself.
I assured her, “I am not going to touch you,” and she agreed. You are expecting a child, and I am not here to cause you any harm.
As she did so, she encircled herself with her arms.
She mumbled, “There are some people who are not concerned about that.”
“What are you talking about?”
Mr. Dan took a step forward. Lila is her given name. We spent our childhoods together. She will be leaving a husband that is abusive. I am assisting her in obtaining safety. The purpose of the cameras is to ensure her safety.
The reason you didn’t tell me is because…
“I didn’t want to cause you any further pain. We have been trying for such a long time, and I was afraid that if you saw me with a pregnant woman, it would crush your heart. In any case, I should have informed you, I’m sorry.”
Dan responded, “I am aware of that.” “I am very sorry. I just wanted to…”
A rush of nausea pushed me forward so quickly that my hand shot to my mouth before he could say anything further till he was finished.
“What’s there?” I let out a gasp.
I arrived just in the nick of time and knelt down on the smooth floor while the world began to tilt once more. After the atmosphere in the room became more stable, I sat back, took a few deep breaths, and wiped my face with a cool cloth that I had from the counter.
The entrance was opened by Lila, who was carrying a glass of water and something little in her palm.
“I apologize for the chaos and the confusion that has occurred. Despite the fact that I should have informed you yesterday, I didn’t feel comfortable.
My voice was quiet as I whispered, “I want to help you, both as a lawyer and as a woman.”
In a low voice, she whispered, “I experienced nausea similar to that,” as she placed a pregnancy test on the counter.
“It might be nothing, but there are times when it may not be.”
I couldn’t help but giggle because the concept seemed both ridiculous and terrifying at the same time.
I said, “I ate a bad sandwich,” and the joke had no effect on us since it was not funny. This is not possible at all. We have wasted a lot of time trying.
Without engaging in any argument, Lila simply retreated toward the exit.
Following the instructions to the letter, I placed the test next to the sink and prayed for it. Despite the fact that the minutes passed with a sluggish throb, I did not look at my phone until the timer on it rang.
As I finally looked down, I noticed that the tiny window was glowing with two bright lines, just like a street that was lit up at night. My vision was thrown off by tears. Upon entering the living area, I proceeded to demonstrate to Dan.
Dan’s eyes grew more wide. Laughing and crying, he grabbed me into his arms and held me there.
The phrase “We are going to be parents”
I maintained eye contact with him. “There will be no more lies. Forever”
He indicated with a nod. “Forever.”
