When individuals discuss becoming older, they often focus on the less significant aspects of the process that they are looking forward to. Things that they never had time for, such as sleeping in, gardening, traveling, and reading books, were important to them.
What about me?
Simply put, I want solitude. This is not the heavy type of stillness that weighs on your chest as mourning does; rather, it is the light silence that comes when you realize you have done enough. When you realize that you have made enough effort. And given sufficient consideration.
I am Julie, and I am fifty-five years old. My name is Julie. In addition, I have been a mother for a longer period of time than I have not. Rachel, my daughter, was three years old when her father left the house without turning around and marched out the front door.
Although I do recall the sound of the door shutting behind him, I remember the smell of old coffee and the rain from that morning more than I remember the sound of the door closing. Prior to meeting Tom, a guy with kind hands and a soft chuckle, I was responsible for her upbringing on my own for a few years. Emily, his own daughter, accompanied him when he arrived.
In the first, she was reserved, but as time went on, she began to snuggle herself into my side as if she had always been there.
Twenty-five years into our marriage, Tom passed away. Suddenly and without warning, it occurred. a heart that suddenly stopped beating one night when he was sitting there folding clothes. All of a sudden, I found myself in the position of being the only parent of two little daughters.
I put in an absurd amount of effort for them. Whenever I needed to pick up more hours to support our bills, I would work two jobs, and sometimes even three jobs. The evenings were very long, and the weekends were consumed with early shifts and call-ins at the eleventh hour every day.
To tell you the truth, I don’t believe I’ve purchased any new clothing in over a decade. I might be wrong about that. Continually, my feet were in pain. And my body was completely worn out.
My only objective, however, was to make sure that the girls had everything that I did not have.
They received their education at a reputable private school. For their eighteenth birthdays, they were given automobiles that were, of course, worn but dependable. I contributed all I could spare to aid both of them through their college careers. Every lunch that I could prepare, I did. Each and every last-minute performance and recital, I was seated in the first row of the audience.
I was adamant that they would grow up with the sense that they were chosen and secure.
Emily never failed to notice. Even after she had graduated, she continued to call to see how she was doing.
Hello, Mom! How are you doing? To this day, are you having problems? She would inquire, her voice usually sounding a bit out of breath, as if she had just finished running around the house.
Even though she had to go to work the next morning, she came to see me with soup while I was sick with the flu. There was a time when she sent a fragrant candle in my mailbox along with a little letter that was slipped inside.
Because of you, Mom, I’ve always had the impression that I was yours. It is my intention to devote the remainder of my life to demonstrating that I recognize and value you.
She did not wait for me to inquire about it. Now, she has simply… arrived.
It had always been more difficult to get in touch with Rachel, on the other hand. It is not frosty, but rather subtly bitter. It was almost as if there was a scale that only she could see, and it never completely tipped in her favor and worked against her.
Once, when I was eating lunch, she was focused intently on something that I was not yet able to comprehend as she was playing with her food.
“You are aware, Moms. “It seemed as though Emily was always able to get the better of you,” she remarked.
“Sweetheart,” I glanced up, completely taken aback. You both received all that I had to offer.
Rachel shrugged and remarked, “I still had the impression that she was going to come first.”
That was something I had spent years attempting to deny. I made sure that she had her favorite cereal, I gave her the larger bedroom, and I paid for her auto insurance after she fell. I repeatedly told her that love was not like a pie; just because all of the pieces were gone did not mean that it was no longer available.
Despite this, Rachel continued to harbor animosity. The process was gradual, quiet, and intrusive, much like mold growing behind a mirror in a restroom. It is not until it has already sunk too deeply that you become aware of it.
Once both of the females had finally left, the home went into a state of silence. In addition, I allowed myself to think about myself for the very first time in decades.
I was not in possession of a pension or 401(k) plan. In the past, I had never trusted banks since I had experienced an excessive number of fines and cheques that bounced. Instead, I decided to purchase a wall safe that was quite tiny and conceal it in my bedroom closet by concealing it behind a fake panel.
It wasn’t the most… The quantity is only plenty for a few crucial documents and a few envelopes.
Each and every tax return, birthday card, and unexpected bonus was placed inside of the box. Always put away in an orderly manner and concealed with care.
Without anybody, not even Emily, being aware of it, it was mine.
I let the money to sit and increase for a period of 10 years. In a calm and slow manner. In reality, it became more than just a savings… It became a representation of something that I had never really possessed: control.
Except while I was adding to it, I never touched it at any point. I did not check the sum in an obsessive manner. Simply put, I allowed it to reside there, hidden from view. As in the spring of this past year, it had reached a little less than $50,000. Even while it was not sufficient for luxury, it was sufficient for breathing.
Regarding the precise amount, I did not disclose it to anybody. It was unnecessary for me to do so. It was not for the sake of appearances. It was the future that I had. In a way, it was my anchor.
After spending my whole life supporting other people, I now have some independence.
Subsequently, Rachel began to pay more visits.
One day, she brought me coffee, which was an oat milk latte, and she remained for dinner, complementing the tuna casserole that she had previously referred to as “prison food.” On that particular occasion, she brought me coffee.
Immediately after the event, she remained in the living room, using her phone to browse through Zillow listings.
During the conversation, she turned the screen toward me and stated, “Some of these places are ridiculous, Mom.” But I believe that I have discovered the one. It is outstanding!”
Is it true that you are considering making a purchase, Rachel? I cracked a grin. “That is wonderful, and I hope that my daughters will continue to grow and have a good time in life.”
She laughed and said, “Thinking?” Hey, Mom, I’m all set! The only thing I need is a little assistance with the first payment, but…
She spoke in a casual tone, but I could feel the weight that lay behind it.
After that, she inquired about my retirement the next day. First, in a casual manner.
Rachel came bouncing into the kitchen as I was preparing grilled chicken and potatoes while singing along to a song by Frank Sinatra playing in the background.
“Mom, do you ever consider the possibility of downsizing?” Asked by her. As in… perhaps you are living with someone? It would be less of a cause for concern, wouldn’t it?
I grinned and said, “Rach, I enjoy staying in peace and quiet.” It’s nice to have my own personal area.
After that, a few days later, the other shoe fell like a stone after it had been dropped.
She expressed it in a straightforward manner, “Mom, I need you to give me your retirement money.”
What is it, Rachel? Sweetheart, that is not a possibility. No, I’m sorry. Money like that—”
Interrupting her, she said, “I know.” That sum of money represents your priceless future. I’ve heard it enough times throughout the course of my life.
While gazing at my daughter in a startled manner, I responded, “Then you are aware of how significant it is.”
It was then that she yelled at her mother, “You’ve spent your entire life giving to everyone but me.” “It is now my turn here. You owe it to me.
Her tone of speech had shifted. At this point, it was astringent and astringent, practically unrecognizable. The expression on Rachel’s face was one of something I couldn’t identify; maybe it was rage.
Alternatively, desperation.
In any case, it shook me to the very core of my being.
“No, sweetheart,” I managed to utter in a scarcely audible murmur. “I am very sorry. Not at all.”
“You owe me,” she said another time.
With the force of a fist, the words blasted into the classroom. I was so surprised that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing that I blinked at her.
Rachel said at a higher volume, “Throughout my entire life, I have been forced to share you with you, Mom.” I have been forced to disclose everything to a person who is not even related to us by blood. You gave her the same amount that I did, and then more. Did you just say that you want to retain all of that money for yourself? Following all that I was forced to give up?
With my mouth somewhat agape, I fixed my gaze on her. It wasn’t simply the words that she had said; it was also the manner in which she had spoken them.
It was as if every birthday, every trip to school, and every injured knee I had kissed had been some sort of burden that she was now collecting interest on.
“I’ve worked hard for this,” she yelled out. In addition, Julie, if you do not hand it over to me, you should not anticipate that I will take care of you when you are older. I don’t care whether you spend your life in a nursing home or not.
The motions that she made were jerky and rapid as she grabbed her handbag.
“Give it some thought. She said, “For a very long time, give it a lot of thought.”
The door shut with a more force than she most likely intended to. A deafening quiet, however, was left behind as a result of it.
The talk seemed to me like a terrible song that was stuck on repeat for many days. Anger came to me in spurts, but the most of the time I felt empty. Over and over again, I found myself wondering where I had gone wrong.
Was I the one?
Would she have been satisfied with my love for her if it had been insufficient?
Or was it possible that she had just never been able to recognize me as a person apart from what I had provided for her?
Once a week had passed, I found myself standing in my closet, clutching a little envelope that contained money that Emily had given to me the previous week. That was something that she did on occasion. When we were doing anything like going to the grocery store, going on a stroll through the park, or even just relaxing at home, she would fold an envelope and place it in my hand.
I would always respond with “Baby, no,” no matter what.
In response, she would grin and say, “Mom, no.” “Don’t argue with me; just accept it.”
At this point, I felt behind the fake panel, anticipating the comforting weight of the safe door.
Nevertheless, it was already open. And there was no more money left.
Envelope after envelope, which had been assembled with a sense of calm optimism, had disappeared. I fell to the ground, slamming my face into the carpet as my legs gave up and I fell to the ground. My mouth became dry, and my hands began to shake.
I couldn’t even begin to weep.
However, I was aware of it. It was clear to me who had committed the crime.
She came over that evening and saw me sitting at the kitchen table, looking into oblivion. Emily was surprised to see me.
As soon as she entered the home, she yelled out, “Mom!” I can’t wait till it’s time for panini night!
Afterward, she entered the room and spotted me.
“Mom?” a soft voice said she. “What’s the matter?”
I hushed with a whisper, “It’s gone, baby.” The all of it… It is all the money. Every single thing. Rachel snatched everything.”
In response, Emily’s body became rigid, and her voice became softer.
“Don’t you weep. I beg you. Give me just one hour, please.
Emily didn’t seek for permission before acting. The door was softly shut behind her as she exited the room, giving the impression that she was attempting to avoid waking anything that was sleeping. It’s possible that it was the part of me that continued to assume that Rachel wouldn’t truly go through with anything.
After an hour had passed, the identical front door crashed open with such power that the walls began to shake. With crazy eyes and a hot face, Rachel stood in the foyer, breathing heavily as if she had exhausted herself by running the whole distance.
There was a duffel bag that she flung onto the table. It had a low and conclusive thump, as if it were heavier than anything else.
“Here,” Rachel yelled, her expression contorted into a scowl. “Get rid of that for a moment.”
Although I was too astonished to move, I blinked at the bag.
Following closely after her, Emily’s expression was inscrutable, and her eyes were as keen as concrete. It was just me that she glanced at; she did not look at Rachel at all. As soon as her eyes rested on my face, a little change occurred in her expression.
As Emily spoke, her tone was calm and precise. “I told her,” she said. “That she either returns each and every cent, or I will call the authorities,” she said. When that happens, I will inform her whole family, as well as her friends, her boyfriend, her employer, and even the real estate agent. Any and all.”
At her sides, Rachel’s hands were shaking with fear. Currently, her bravado was as thin as paper.
It seemed as if she murmured, “I just needed a head start.” It’s not appropriate. Because of you, Emily has grown a great deal.
Emily cut Rachel off and said, “Shut up, Rachel.” “Mom provided us with everything!” At the same time, you attempted to take away the one item that she had set apart for herself.
I was unable to think before my hands began to move. I unzipped the bag and noticed the envelopes, although some of them were wrinkled and others were damaged, they were still there. While I was counting, I had a hard time breathing. Each one had a slight odor of the past, which was reminiscent of sacrifice, old paper, and inexpensive ink.
All of the dollars were present.
However, there was more… My diamond earrings were wrapped in a dish towel and presented to me. For our second wedding anniversary, Tom presented me with this pair. In close proximity to them was his old pocket watch, the same one that had been displayed on the bookshelf next to the photograph of our wedding.
My first edition editions of “Wuthering Heights,” “A Tale of Two Cities,” and “Pride and Prejudice” were among the books that she had stolen from me. I knew that the items would easily sell for thousands of dollars on the internet. Indeed, it was a collector’s paradise.
Rachel… ” Although I was aware that you had taken the money, I was completely unaware that you had also taken these items,” I whispered. Why would you take from someone like me?
The pupils in Emily’s eyes contracted.
Her question was, “How did you even manage to get into the safe?”
Raising her chin, Rachel did so.
I’ve been aware of the safe for a number of years… Also, Mom, we each have a spare key to the home that we may use. When I learned that you were at your pottery class with your buddies, I came in the other day. I was aware that you were there. At that point, I made my way to the safe. Our birthdays were given as the code. She said that it was a simple task.
With a blank expression on her face, my daughter stared at me. Her hands continued to shake, but her expression offered no indication of what was going on.
Emily did not wait for me to say anything; rather, she just took out her phone, pressed a contact, and then held it up to the light.
At the moment when the connection was connected, she asked, “Aunt Carol?” “Just so you are aware, Rachel took the money that Mom had saved for retirement. Using cash. In addition to a few of Mom’s other irreplaceable possessions.”
On the other end of the line, my sister screamed out, “What?” “There is no way! Is that true?
Emily went on to say, “Yes, in all honesty.” Because I had captured her, she was the only one who brought it back. Rachel is the one who has consistently said that she is your favorite. I only wanted you to be aware of the capabilities that she has.
Rachel creased her face in pain. Her appearance was that of a youngster who had suddenly become aware that the room was filled with grownups.
“You are destroying my life,” she said in a low voice. It is both of you…
Emily did not show any panic.
She started out by saying, “Nope, Sister.” “You accomplished it all on your own. There are repercussions for actions. Furthermore, you are not someone who can be trusted again, and you have a great deal of work to do in order to put things right […]
Rachel departed without uttering a single word.
The moment the door was finally closed, there was a return to stillness in the room. Not the kind of breezy stillness that I had previously fantasized of, but rather something considerably more weighty. It was still mine, however.
Emily spoke quietly to her mother and added, “I will always have your back.” “As if you’ve always had mine,” she said.
There was no need for her to elaborate more. I could feel every word, as if it were sinking into my body like a soft blanket after a storm.
