I made the mature decision to teach my infant daughter this ingenious technique. I assumed she could use it to avoid awkward hangouts or sleepovers. However, I never thought she would need it so quickly.
I therefore believed that yesterday was just like any other day. My phone rang when I was in my kitchen having my evening coffee. Dave, my ex-husband, was there. Over the years, our once-warm and loving relationship had become tense.
Divorce has a way of doing that, and although we made an effort to keep our relationship amicable for the benefit of our daughter, Amy, tensions were frequently high. Dave’s voice came through, a little hesitant, “Hey, Claire.” Amy would like to speak with you. Ever since she arrived, she has been requesting to share her day with you.
I was surprised by this. Amy rarely phoned me during her sleepover weekends with her dad, which she typically enjoyed. I said, attempting to sound steady, “Oh, sure, put her on.” I was starting to feel uneasy, and the fact that Dave sounded a little strange only made it worse.
“Hello, Mom!” Although Amy sounded as happy as ever, there was something in her speech pattern that I couldn’t quite identify. Since this was out of the ordinary for her, I listened with interest.
“Hey, dear! How are you finding the weekend? Have you been enjoying yourself? In an attempt to keep the conversation light, I asked.
Yes, it has been positive. I sketched some sketches this morning after our visit to the park yesterday. I sketched a tree, a dog, and I’d want to sketch blueberries if I had a blue marker.
I was struck by the words like a ton of bricks! Our code phrase was there. I felt my heart skip a beat and momentarily lost my voice. Amy had included our “password” in her juvenile banter.
I taught my daughter the value of having a secret word when she was tiny. If she ever felt unsafe but was unable to express it directly, she may use it.
Our word was “blueberries,” but I never thought she would use it.
The word meant “get me out of here immediately,” so I gulped hard and tried not to panic. “Honey, it sounds fantastic. I’m heading over to pick you up. Don’t say anything to your father, please. When I get there, I’ll speak with him.
“Had you wanted to tell me anything else?”
“No, that’s all,” she answered, her voice still lovely but with a hint of something else—fear? Uncertainty? Although I couldn’t be certain, I was certain that I needed to get her out of there.
“All right, I’ll see you soon.” I said as casually as I could.
“All right, Mom. I adore you.
“I also love you, Amy Wamy.”
As I hung up, my hands shaking, I heard her laugh. As I tried to imagine what might have happened, my mind was racing. There was a problem, but Dave had never given me any cause to question his abilities to raise our kid.
Having made up my mind, I reached for my keys. I had to pick up Amy from my ex’s house.
I inhaled deeply and knocked on the door when I eventually got there. Dave surprised me by responding almost instantly, as though he had been waiting directly behind it. His shoulders were stiff, and he wore an uneasy expression. “Claire? He remarked, “This is unexpected,” and moved aside to allow me to enter.
I feigned a courteous grin. Even though my heart was racing, I said nonchalantly, “I decided to pick Amy up a little early.” “Where is she?”
He answered, “She’s drawing in the living room.” He spoke in a strained voice. He said, “She told me you’d be coming,” after he paused.
My heartbeat accelerated. Amy had vowed to remain silent. “Oh? Did she explain why? I asked, attempting to hide my worry.
He combed his hair with his hand. Not precisely. She simply appeared…aloof. I reasoned that perhaps she was missing home or that something had happened at school.
I sensed his bewilderment, and I felt a twinge of remorse. This was a circumstance we had never encountered before. Perhaps Dave was unaware of what was happening. Or perhaps he did, and was pretending not to know. I was hoping for the former.
Amy was sitting on the couch in the living room, scrawling frantically on a piece of construction paper. Her eyes were big as she gazed up at me, clearly relieved. “Mom!” she said, leaping to give me a hug.
Thankful to feel her tiny arms around my waist, I returned the hug. I said softly, “Hey, baby,” in a hushed voice. “Is everything all right?”
Amy gazed down at her sketch after giving Dave a quick glance. She hurriedly murmured, “Dad has been on edge,” and then she stated aloud, “I’m ready to go home.”
Dave knitted his eyebrows. Nervous? Amy, I apologize if I came out as anxious. With a hint of defensiveness in his voice, he explained, “Work has just been crazy.” “However, I would never harm you.”
At least I thought he was telling the truth. Dave didn’t seem like the kind of person who would hurt our daughter. But Amy was obviously uncomfortable about something. Getting her somewhere she felt safe was my top priority as her mother.
“Thanks for allowing me to pick her up,” I murmured, turning to Dave. I’ll give you a call later to discuss. I made it clear that I didn’t want a conversation at that moment using courteous but forceful comments.
He appeared caught between wanting to voice his disapproval and not wanting to make things worse in front of Amy. With a defeated sigh, he eventually said, “All right.” “At least let me say good-bye.”
After giving a nod, Amy approached her father and allowed him to briefly embrace her. Then she picked up her overnight bag, and we left the house.
Amy started crying as soon as we got inside the car. My heart almost broke. “What’s wrong, sweetie? Has something happened to your father? I turned to her as I got into the driver’s seat and asked.
She used the back of her hand to wipe her nose while sniffling. “I—he wasn’t acting like himself. When he was on the phone with someone earlier, he became really irate. I became frightened when he banged the door so forcefully as he was shouting. I had never witnessed him so enraged.
I retracted my hand to touch her hair. “You were correct to let me know that you were uncomfortable. You have my admiration.
Amy gave a nod. “I used the code word because I wasn’t sure if Dad would be upset with me for phoning you. I didn’t want to publicly express my fear.
Now everything made clear. Dave had most likely been shouting at a friend or coworker. Perhaps he was venting his frustrations. However, a parent yelling and banging doors would be horrifying to a nine-year-old.
I muttered, “Thank you for telling me.” “Remember what we discussed when you were younger? If you feel uncomfortable or dangerous, it’s always acceptable to come to me. You are always entitled to that.
Her tears stopped and she nodded once more. “Are you upset with Dad, Mom?”
For a minute, I gripped the steering wheel more tightly. “Not exactly crazy. I’m just concerned. Even though your dad is going through a difficult moment, you shouldn’t have to bear the tension. We’ll work things out together, okay? I’ll speak with him later to find out what’s going on.
Amy sighed a little with relief. “All right.”
I walked into the kitchen to make myself some tea that evening after giving Amy a deep embrace before putting her into bed. As I reached for the kettle, my phone buzzed, and sure enough, it was Dave on the other end. Even though I was prepared for a fight, there was a hint of regret in his voice when I answered the phone.
“Claire,” he started, “I sincerely apologize for what happened earlier. At work, I’ve been juggling a contract discussion that’s not going well. My supervisor has never stopped pursuing me. Amy heard the worst of my outburst, and I realize that’s no justification.
With a leisurely exhale, I released some of the stress I had been holding inside. Dave, I know how stressful it might be, but keep in mind that she is just nine years old. She prioritizes her sense of security. She must have truly believed she was in trouble if she was afraid enough to phone me using our code word.
He remained quiet for a moment. Then he grew softer. “Code word?”
Indeed. I taught her this in case she ever felt unsafe but was unable to express it directly. I stopped. “I trust you to take care of her, but I also trust her to know when she’s uncomfortable,” the speaker said.
Dave let out a sigh. “I understand. I’m not proud of my behavior. I’ll apologize and speak with her. I didn’t intend to frighten her. or you.
My shoulders started to loosen up. “I appreciate you saying that. We all need to improve our communication, in my opinion. Even though we are no longer together, Amy still views us as a family.
On the other end, I could practically hear him nodding in agreement. Indeed. Claire, thank you.
Surprisingly calmly, we concluded the call. I had a wave of relief despite the emotional roller coaster that went on all evening.
Dave arrived sooner than expected the following day. He asked if he might have lunch with Amy so they could discuss. Despite my hesitation, I let Amy make the decision. She wanted to set the record straight, so she consented after listening to him and noticing that he appeared more composed.
They both appeared glad when they got back. Amy hurried to show me a tiny stuffed animal that Dave had purchased for her. She said, “He apologized and said he didn’t mean to yell in that way.” He told me that although it’s not my fault, adults experience stress occasionally.
I stooped to embrace her. “Well done, honey. You have my admiration for speaking up when you were afraid.
Grinning, she clung to the stuffed animal. “I’m just relieved that Dad and you are watching out for me.”
I gave Dave a little smile over her head. That time served as a reminder that, despite the changes in our relationship, our shared concern for our daughter’s welfare remained paramount.
Amy gave me a very tender peck on the cheek as I tucked her back into bed that evening. “Do you think we’ll still use the code word even when I’m older, Mom?” she said quietly.
I felt a pull at my heart as I brushed the hair from her forehead. We can continue to use it for as long as you like, my love. Or we can think of another one. Knowing that you can always get in touch is crucial. I’ll be there forever.
Amy closed her eyes and grinned. “I enjoy ‘blueberries.'” It’s easy, and I will always remember it.
I gave her a forehead kiss and remarked, “Then ‘blueberries’ it is.”
As I stood outside her bedroom door, I became aware of how deeply grateful I was for that little parenting tip my own mother had given me all those years before. Although the code word was initially intended to be “just in case,” it has already shown its usefulness in a practical scenario. It served as a reminder that we should never take for granted the sense of security that our children have.
Life Lesson: Sometimes the smallest safety measures have the greatest impact. We can keep our children secure and confident by teaching them a safe way to communicate, whether it’s through a code word, a unique glance, or just plain talk. We may still unite for the sake of the people who are most important, even when connections shift and life seems difficult.
Ultimately, I was relieved that Dave and I could put aside our differences long enough to console Amy, and I was happy that she felt secure enough to reach out in her own manner. Even though it wasn’t a perfect solution to every issue in our family, it was a positive first step. We discovered that love, communication, and trust can lead us back to one another even in trying circumstances.
I hope this story serves as a reminder to follow your gut and keep the lines of communication open with those you care about. Please remember to like this post and share this tale with someone you think may find it meaningful. By doing this, you encourage people to stay connected, safe, and loved and contribute to the perpetuation of vital messages like this one.
